One day in the office a friend came in and informed us that she had just warned her husband of 15 years that morning that she is going to look for a boyfriend. First I laughed uncontrably and then asked her ‘and what did he say?’ and she answered that he just looked at me blankly with a short smile.
So I asked her Why did you tell him that? She just blurted out that ‘the reason that most marriages fail is not because of the woman’s abilities or disabilities but because of a mans inability to satisfy her sexually. I was shocked beyond belief. I gasped What? She said “YES! MEN’S INABILITY TO SATISFY THEIR WOMEN SEXUALLY LEADS TO UNFAITHFUL WIVES”! Wah, I took a few minutes to digest before she continued.
I then put on an understanding face and added in agreement “that obviously means the sexual needs of a man are different from that of a woman.” And she nodded affirmatively.
FGM & Unfaithful Wives
Apparently a man is turned on by the activity going on in his mind. So he could come into bed and believe he is seeing Beyonce and he gets turned on and all he cares is that he ejaculates and and feels good. He does not care what his partner is feeling or whether the Partners sexual needs are met or not.
Once he is done the woman is left there hanging – emotionally and sexually. Once one is left hanging two, three times, one naturally shifts their energies elsewhere. “So what does that mean practically speaking, I asked?”
“If you are not a good wife – you stop having sex altogether with your husband though you sleep on the same bed. And if you are a good wife like me she continued, “ you just lay there and let him do his thing and your mind is in Spain”, once he is finished he turns around and dozes off immediately and the good wife turns on the other side and starts planning her day or starts counting the money she made during the day depending on what community she belongs.” I just burst out laughing again. My friend is hilarious.
So I asked, ” Is that Why most women do not experience Orgasm?” and she said Yes.And What is Sex to a Woman?
Whilst the sexual need of a man is physical and therefore satisfied by a physical activity – actual penetration, that of a woman is emotional. Whether a woman is sexually satisfied is dependant on how well a man or her Partner has well taken care of her emotional needs.
In other words to a woman the words spoken and actions taken all through the day upto the point of having sex are contributory factors to how she feels about being physical. So a woman’s sexual satisfaction comes from the sense of hearing and touch. She loves to hear and be told sweet nothings, to be touched, at best foreplay but the actual penetration is for the man’s benefit.The Challenge
As I sat there pondering because I am a affirm believer of Cause and effect, I wondered what could have caused these problem in Modern Kenyan Marriages? Could it be it has always been there but ignored because the Kenyan culture believes a woman has no sexual needs and even if it is there it is not important or is it a new emerging need due to Western development of the woman psyche? The more I thought about it – it dawned on me this new sexual behavior in women had everything to do with abolition of FGM.
FGM is the operation whereby the clitoris a very sensitive sexual organ on a woman’s private part is removed. The reason that Kenyan communities carried out the practice in the olden days was to curb unfaithfulness and sexual promiscuity in the society.
With the abolition of FGM, a woman’s sexual appetite was left on the loose. However, whilst Western development introduced abolition of FGM, they never introduced training for the Kenyan men on how to deal with the new sexual needs of the Uncircumcized Kenyan woman.
Increasing the sexual appetite of women was not the only problem abolition of FGM introduced. With women liberation, women believe that their sexual satisfaction is paramount just like that of a man and that their needs are valid. And if not met she has various options that range from being unfaithfull to buying objects for personal satisfaction.Abolition of FGM is here to stay so what now?
There are two options: the men can choose to deal with the problem or ignore it.
Men must be empowered to know that women have different sexual needs from them and trained on how to meet them. This needs vary from woman to woman so a man can google and learn the subject generally but they have to zero down on the sexual needs of the woman they love. It is paramount that every man/husband seeks to understand what pleases their woman partner.
Some women are more demanding than others. Whatever the Case you are upto the task – she is yours, you chose her. So when dating, as you discuss how many Children you shall have or how many joint bank accounts you will have, please remember to discuss her sexual preferences in an attempt to fight one of the effects of abolition of FGM as you will note, later on in the marriage, it is important.
My friend concluded by telling me “Let no one lie to you, most women are unfaithful to their husbands because husbands do not satisfy their wives sexually and that leads to a woman not being a good wife.”Abolition of FGM is here to stay and it is a good development. This then means that both parties to a Marriage must seek creative ways to build a happy and strong marriage not leaving any area untouched because the needs of each party in the relationship is valid.